stefanie says

I had a conversation a few days ago that revolved around listing our respective criteria for boyfriends and husbands. People have different names for this List (“Husband shopping list”, “Wish list for Mr. Right”, etc etc) and scoff if you will, but I’m pretty sure everyone - even guys - has an idea of the characteristics and personality traits and must-loves and must-hates that they want to find in another person.

The discussion started off mostly as a joke, but as I thought of my own so-called “list”, I realized how much that image of what I wanted in a person had changed over the years.

When I was a kid, this list was simple: my only criteria for the person I wanted to marry was that they would understand taxes and insurance policies and banking.

This list was gradually changing to include other grown-up things that my parents seemed to intuitively know, and that I worried I would never get. How to drive stick shift. How to select the good apples and broccoli from the bad. How to tie a tie or sew a button. Which was the best part of a fish to pick for yourself.

As I got slightly older but remained mostly naive, the list started to include things that were based on what I’d seen in the movies. Name any of my favourite films, and I’d be able to pinpoint a certain moment involving the lead romantic characters that I would base my hopes on. (Of course, it was only much later that I realized that real life is not a Disney or John Hughes movie, and for the most part, real boys will not hold a boombox to your window John Cusack style.) 

After that was the period of time where my image of the person I wanted was based on having the same interests and liking the same stuff: the same music or food or movies or books or the thousand other things that human beings like. It took a while for me to learn that though this is great and all, compatibility can’t just be about this. I think 500 Days of Summer states the truth here well: “Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate.“ 

For a long while after that, the list was too wishful and romantic and full of intimidating characteristics summed into singular bold words. Integrity. Humility. Sensitivity. There’s nothing wrong with being starry-eyed once in a while (it beats cynicism any other day) - but it’s easy to go over-board, and you run the risk of waiting forever for Superman who, heads up ladies, doesn’t actually exist. 

I am slowly becoming less focused on these things - trivialities like having a guy that likes the same music as me or one with artistic abilities or one who’ll leave cute notes on Post-Its for me to find. It’s difficult for expectations to align with reality when you’re so focused on little stuff like that, and for too long, I was setting myself up for disappointments.

If you ask me about my list now, I will give you a different answer from all the ones I’ve had before. I will name you a few must-haves and some essential qualities, but I will also tell you that I do not want him to be Mr. Perfect. Mr. Perfect is boring, and Mr. Perfect also does not exist. I will tell you that I don’t expect him to be straight out of a chick flick. That I don’t really care whether he likes or doesn’t like or has or hasn’t watched Star Wars or the Before Sunrise/Sunset Movies or the Princess Bride. That while he must be passionate about something in his life, it doesn’t have to be a something that has already been pre-chosen in particular by me.

And while I still hope for a man who’ll drive stick shift like a pro, and has the looks and charm to level with one of Ryan Gosling’s characters (or Ryan Gosling himself), this isn’t an expectation for these things any more. In the meantime, while I continue whittling down my list, I’m going to master getting my own taxes done, learn how to sew a button so well that you can’t tell where the thread begins and ends, work on loving with both my head and my heart, and becoming the kind of girl that a guy will throw out all his pre-conceived ideals and notions and lists for.